What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 02.07.2025 05:49
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
It was going to be , some day.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
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And i lived it daily.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
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On the 31st of Jan this month .
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
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I had hoped to write a book about this .
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
All the time i was locked up.
Do narcissists love their children?
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I said to her
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Who then, do I blame.?
My mum and dad in the seventies!
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I was very sick at this time too.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
She married twice! .
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Do you think Japan will have same-sex marriage by 2030?
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
But it wasn’t much.
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Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
But ive been too sick for many years..
She was in good health!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
How do you know if your husband loves you truly and deeply?
I was seconnd youngest,
I was 9 years of age.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Is it common for girlfriends to have close male friends who are single and not related to them?
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
We all went to grammer schools
Ive learnt so much.
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It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I will be 64.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
She wouldn,t have been !
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I was scared of men, in general
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I couldn’t, believe it.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I don,t even have a pension.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Especially a lifetime of it.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
This is soul school!.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
She found it foreign!.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
But, we were locked up after school.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
(And it was in our own minds.)
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
She loved him until the end.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I never cut or harmed myself..
So whats the point in blame.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Would this be the day?
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Was to survive, this bastard.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
My life is so biszare .
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I write beautiful poetry .
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
So, i spoilt her more .
He knew the spot.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I waited trembling.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
What did i know ?
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Where the ultimate outsiders.
My family never makes their pension either.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I could never make a relationship work though!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Comes on , in middle age.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I have no regrets .
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Put me off passion for life!!
As i do to all so called friends.?
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Why did i forgive my father ?
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I think the readers, may guess!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
When she asked me how she looked .
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
One cannot live in the past .
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Im still living with it.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
He resisted the act ,that day.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
We were not on the streets..